I came across a satirical piece on religion that I wrote some thirty years ago. Unfortunately, it seems just as relevant today as when it was first written.
Parable Exercise: The Virtues of Uncertainty (1992)
There once
was a man, otherwise quite unremarkable, who was distinguished by his
indecision and uncertainty in matters which most other people considered of the
greatest importance. When such a matter was under discussion and this uncertain
man was asked his opinion, he would say only that he wasn't sure. When pressed
as to whether he agreed with this or that theory or opinion which some other
person was putting forward with great energy and conviction, he would only say,
"Maybe, maybe not," or "Perhaps in some cases, but not in
others." This kind of response made the uncertain man an object of not
inconsiderable scorn, and eventually placed him in great danger.
It so
happened that in the time and place in which this uncertain man lived, there
was great dissatisfaction and dissent among the people, their general
prosperity notwithstanding. As a consequence, there arose various rival
religious sects. Each bitterly denounced all the others, and declared itself to
be the exclusive champion of truth, wisdom and justice. In this contentious
fashion all of the rival parties were in considerable agreement, but to even
discuss this with oneself in private, let alone in a public forum in the
presence of other citizens, was considered extremely poor taste, and might even
render a person liable to various highly unpleasant reprisals. The necessity of
such punishments was another matter on which the rival groups found themselves
in perfect agreement with one another, but to call attention to this point
would subject one to even harsher reprisals.
As each
sect was always eager to enlist new converts in its unceasing struggles against
its rivals, the uncertain man frequently found himself the recipient of the
attentions of the representatives of one group or another, who sought to
persuade the uncertain man to take up their cause. For instance, the group in
favor of the abolition of most, though not all language once sent to him a
spokeswoman who said to the uncertain man, "Surely you will concede that
all too often, language is used to mislead and deceive people and stir up
enmity between them." He responded,
"Perhaps in some cases, but not in others."
She went
on, "As a reasonable, intelligent person, you would have to agree that
even much supposedly well-intentioned speech is frivolous and unproductive, as
well as grammatically incorrect."
He replied, "Maybe, maybe not."
The
representative continued, "Then you will surely see the wisdom of our
program for a ban on the 95% of language determined most offensive and
injurious by our panel of experts, and the introduction of a hieroglyphic
symbol-system, a copy of which each person would be required to carry with them
at all times, enabling them to point to the necessary item at the relevant
time, without causing offense to any class, gender, color, person or plant,
fish, mineral or insect." The uncertain person answered only, "I'm
not really sure." The spokeswoman from the group in favor of the abolition
of most, though not all language left in a huff, cursing the uncertain man in
no uncertain terms, and displaying an
impressive command of obscene, offensive and thoroughly vituperative language.
As time
went on, the number of such visitors calling on the uncertain man with hopes of
converting him to their cause increased, as each group realized that the
conversion of such a stubborn unbeliever would be an enormous public relations
victory.
On one such
occasion, a spokesman from the Society for the Glorification of Felines
attempted to convince the uncertain man of the merit of eliminating all other
forms of religion, even including gambling and spectator sports, in favor of
mandatory cat worship. The representative argued that in contrast to the
troubles and violent discords of the present time, spiritual peace and social
harmony had been everyday experiences in ancient Egypt. The reason for this
favorable state of affairs was that the people of the nation had understood
that the cat was the living symbol of divinity, and had ordered their lives
accordingly, worshipping the cat as intended by God, appointing a pharaoh to
mediate between man, God and cat, and constructing pyramids in order to provide
gainful employment for the masses.
"And
so you see," concluded the cat-worshipper, "that it is more or less a
self-evident truth that a re-dedication to the enduring values of cat, pharaoh
and pyramid is the only course of action that can save humanity from its headlong
rush toward depravity and destruction." The uncertain man reflected for
some time in silence, and the cat-worshipper was starting to feel guardedly hopeful
when the uncertain man responded, "Maybe so, maybe not. I'm impressed by
the passion of your conviction, and I'm sure you mean well, but that's no
guarantee that you're completely right in all you say or that others are
completely wrong. I am just an uncertain man, and I guess that's all I'll ever
be."
As the
sects struggled amongst themselves, social conditions continued to deteriorate.
Young people, seeing that their parents' and other adults' talk of `love',
`peace' and other such ideals was no more than a hypocritical excuse for the
daily practice of self-flattery, greed and intolerance, devoted themselves to
materialism and violence, some even killing each other for a mere article of
clothing. Older people, convinced that the nation's youth were ignorant,
ungrateful and undeserving, refused to pay taxes, for fear that money would be
wasted on social and educational programs for the young. When people turned to
their religious leaders for guidance, all they found was a group of
self-righteous fanatics, each eager to blame someone else for the problems of
the day, while claiming a glorious future sure to come for the faithful.
The
sectarian rivalries became political and then military matters. Eventually, the
leading clerics of the church of the Holy Cockroach, who worshipped the
cockroach as the symbol of eternal life, by reason of its obvious hardiness and
joie de vivre, as well as its reputed ability to withstand nuclear holocaust,
seized power and began to persecute unbelievers. Citizens were arrested in the
dead of night and brought before military tribunals, where they were asked but
one question: "Do you believe in cockroaches?" Many people, unaware
of the peculiar doctrines espoused by the Roachians and confused by the
question, were unable to answer in the clear and unequivocal way expected of
them, and instead responded with such questions as "What do you mean by
`believe'?" or "Define `cockroach'". These poor souls, who had
quite grievously overestimated their accusers' capacity for theological
discussion, were executed on the spot.
It happened
that the uncertain man was summoned before such a tribunal and presented with
the usual question. The uncertain man automatically responded in his usual
uncertain way: "Maybe, maybe not. Perhaps in some cases, but not in
others."
The
Roachian clerics were taken back by this confident, ready response, as it
seemed to suggest that a person could be aware of the divinity of the
cockroach, and yet still be unwilling to devote their life to its worship. This
possibility had never occurred to them, as previously they had thought that all
those who had resisted affirming their simple creed must be devotees of the
Antiroach, who were incapable of understanding the one true religion and who
attempted to hide their actual, sinful convictions by dodging or debating The
Question with fancy verbal trickery. Seriously facing for the first time the
prospect of a belief which was neither completely identical nor totally opposed
to their own, which seemed to share elements of their cherished convictions
while differing on other points, the Roachians were thrown into confusion. The
uncertain man was given a temporary stay of execution, while the elders of the
church debated his case.
Some
believed that the uncertain man was the worst kind of heretic, bearing
enigmatic words designed to gradually corrode their most essential doctrines,
and that in light of the danger which he represented, he should be crushed like
a bug, without delay. Others saw the uncertain man as a former believer who had
fallen victim to confusion, and should be re-educated in the principles of the
one true religion, so that he might again receive the grace of the divine
insect.
Still
others saw the uncertain man as a prophet in disguise, come to reveal the
further teachings of the cockroach. They saw his strange response to The
Question, full of qualifications and ambiguity, as evidence of a deeper
understanding of the inner mysteries of the insect, and they begged him for
instruction. "Tell us," they asked the uncertain man, "what do
you mean by the words, `perhaps in some cases, but not in others'? Does this
mean that there are some cockroaches who deserve our worship, others who don't,
some who are divine, some who are not?"
The
uncertain man responded, "Maybe, maybe not."
"Do
you mean it is impossible to discern the truth without first developing deeper
spiritual insight?"
"Maybe,
maybe not. Perhaps in some cases, but not in others."
"Do
you mean that different people should worship different cockroaches? Are these
different roaches one or many? What of the benighted lands where there are no
cockroaches?"
The
dialogue continued in this manner, with each uncertain statement of the
uncertain man provoking further theological dilemmas among the Roachians. As a
result of the ensuing roachological debates, the Roachians renounced their
dictatorship and withdrew to the countryside to meditate on the further
mysteries of their religion. Leaving the city, they issued a proclamation
apologizing for the several hundred thousand murders which they had committed,
explaining that it was all just a theological misunderstanding about the nature
of salvation and the relationship of eschatology to entomology. They promised
that it wouldn't happen again, at least not until the end of time, when the
Roach Messiah would return in glory to usher in the metamorphosis of the
blessed.
The
uncertain man, who previously had been an object of scorn for his noncommittal
approach to religious matters, was now honored as a hero by a population
grateful to have been delivered from the Roachian holocaust. There was now one
question foremost in the minds of the people: Should they again practice
religion, or should they abolish it, considering their recent traumatic
experience? The uncertain man was
consulted for his learned opinion, and he replied merely, "Maybe, maybe
not. Perhaps in some cases, but not in others."
