Our Shiny New War Against Iran

Today's blog is a humorous attempt to deal with something I find very frightening: the apparent coalescence of an acceptance of using military force against Iran for quite dubious reasons that are all too reminiscent of our most recent military adventures. One hopes that people learn from their mistakes, but in this case, I fear that we are on the edge of a whole new tragic chapter in idiotic American imperialism. It is so sickening that I need to attempt some dark humor. Here goes:

War is coming. A NEW war. Not one of those old, worn-out, pre-owned wars in Afghanistan and Iraq,but a shiny NEW war that we all can feel proud and patriotic about. Aren't you happy? Don't you miss the EXCITEMENT and PATRIOTISM of the post-9/11 days when we invaded Afghanistan and Iraq, before those wars became dragged-out, boring and uninteresting? Oh, there is nothing like that initial rush of war to bring out the best in our country! Hooray for war. Let's go!!

What is this new war? You don't know?You don't follow the news? War against Iran, you dummy. Don't you know that Iran is VERY VERY dangerous, it is developing nuclear technology,and that IT MUST BE STOPPED? And we and our friends the Israeli government have been laying the groundwork. It's kind of like what we did in the build-up to the invasion of Iraq, only better because many people have forgotten how that particular little foreign adventure came about. Oh, you have a vague recollection of that and would like to know more how the new rush to war resembles the previous one? OK, here goes.

As with Iraq, we are accusing an oil-rich country in the Middle East of striving to develop nuclear technology which could someday be turned into nuclear weapons. We claim this gives us the right to attack them even if they have not attacked anyone else. AS IF THAT MATTERED TO US! Hello-o, haven't you heard of "pre-emptive strike?" Duh! We claim the right to attack anyone anywhere who we think MIGHT be a threat. What's wrong with that? What could possibly go wrong? Isn't that the way the world is supposed to work? Our way or the death ray!

As with Iraq, we have no patience with the Iranian point of view. We "know" they cannot be trusted, certainly not their president with the supposedly unpronounceable name, Ahmedinejad. It's always more fun to vilify someone with a "weird" name, don't you know?

The Iranians claim they need nuclear technology for peaceful purposes of energy production and medical technology, such as radioactive isotopes used in chemotherapy for cancer. THAT IS SO RIDICULOUS!

Furthermore, we "know" that Iran is a menace in the region. President whose-name-no-patriotic-American-dare-pronounce has said ugly things about Israel, unlike the nice things that people say in other nearby countries like Saudi Arabia, Lebanon, Syria and Egypt. Everyone knows that we insist that every Middle Eastern country love and respect Israel 110%, or we go to war against them right away.

And poor little Israel, it has done nothing to deserve any criticism or animosity from the other countries in the region. Those Palestinians who were forced off their land in 1947 and continue to cry-baby complain about this when they are not whimpering about Israel making their lives impossible with checkpoints, economic blockades and occasional military invasions that demolish neighborhoods are not people that we have to worry about, except that they show an irritating capacity to launch missile strikes and suicide attacks against Israel. So annoying! Can't they just accept their poverty, dispossession and isolation without having to make such a fuss? Can't they just withdraw into their pitiful shanty towns and quietly wait to die? What's wrong with them? I guess you just never know with those crazy Muslims. What, you are telling me that some of the Palestinians are Christians? That cannot be right; please just shut up.

Even more ridiculous is the accusation that Israel has its own nuclear weapons. You say the CIA has reported this? OK, maybe they have a few little bombs. They are our ally, so they are entitled. Anyway, it's a dangerous neighborhood. No one should get excited just because this or that country develops a few nuclear weapons without cooperating with nuclear treaties or allowing international inspection, UNLESS THAT COUNTRY IS IRAQ....I MEAN IRAN!!

Iran is quite the cry-baby too. Have you heard this OUTRAGEOUS idea that they might feel threatened by American power in the region? THAT IS SO RIDICULOUS. What American "power?" OK, we have some soldiers over there. OK, we have invaded countries on both the eastern side of Iran (Afghanistan) and on the western side (Iraq). That's none of their business! Did we complain when Russia put missiles into Cuba? Hell no! Did we attack Canada when they introduced nationalized health insurance? No, of course not. So where does Iran get off bitching and bitching about this? OK, so maybe we do have some bases to the north of Iran in some of those "-stan" countries. OK, so maybe our naval fleet does take the occasional pleasure cruise off the coast of Iran. OK, so maybe we do have a military alliance with Saudi Arabia and soldiers in Kuwait. OK, maybe we have allowed or even assisted Israel in developing nuclear weapons. That is no excuse for Iran to get all hissy-fitsy and nuclear. Only two countries in the world have the right to self-defense, including nuclear weapons: America and Israel. If Iran thinks they have a right to develop nuclear weapons just because they are surrounded by hostile forces, then they really do deserve to be attacked and invaded.

Iran is the craziest, most dangerous, and violent country on the planet. Just compare how many countries in the Middle East they have attacked and invaded to how many we have! It's like night and day. What, you are saying that it was not Iran that started the Iran-Iraq War, it was Iraq, led by Saddam Hussein, who we were supporting at the time? I don't believe it. Besides, everyone knows that Iran supports Hezbollah, a terrorist group in Lebanon that launches missiles against Israel from time to time. What, you are saying that Hezbollah first came about as a reaction to an Israeli invasion of Lebanon in the early 1980s? You mean Israel attacked first? Well, that was 30+ years ago. Why can't Hezbollah give it a rest? Crazy damned Muslims.

As you can see, there is no way to look at the objective facts without reaching the sole possible conclusion: Iran must be attacked, and we're going to do it! Yay, go America!

(**Bonus points for you Political Science majors if you can answer the following question: could a military strike on Iran help Obama in the general election? And, would not doing it hurt him? Advantage to the Republicans, who are, with the exception of Ron Paul, united in seeking an attack on Iran! You can tell how patriotic a politician is by how eager he or she is to attack other countries!! Yay!)

It may be Israel that attacks first, but that won't even matter, because we have a defense alliance with them and if they get into any trouble, if Iran or anyone else tries to strike back, we can rush in and show the Iranians the same kind of "shock and awe"--I mean "freedom and democracy" that--we brought to Afghanistan and Iran. Consider the Israeli military our advance scouts and the whole thing makes perfect sense.

From a lot of the information I see in the media, this is a no-lose situation. After all, with our huge, excellent military involved, what could possibly go wrong?

What, you mean Iran could shut down the Persian Gulf and disrupt our oil supply? Just when you thought it was safe to buy a Hummer again....

What, you mean a strike by Israel against Iran could lead to other countries like Saudi Arabia, Egypt and Lebanon getting involved, and a spiraling, expanding war? No way; you need to take your medication.

What, you mean some of OUR young men and women will die? Not if we stick with drones and long-range nuclear missiles....but even if a ground invasion were necessary, well, at least our boys and girls would take a whole lot of them Iranians down with them. We'll have a nice parade for our fallen patriots.

What, you mean the money that we will spend on the war is money we can't use for things at home? Well, since when do we care about the people in America? It's killing foreigners that counts, not taking care of things like bridges, schools, mortgages, pensions, unemployment and child poverty. War is patriotic. Trying to do anything about that other stuff sounds suspiciously like socialism. Can't have that. Lots of people don't have jobs, sure, but they could always join the army. If kids are going hungry, they could be trained to serve as mine-sweepers, make themselves useful.

What, you mean Russia and China are allies with Iran? Well, what could they do about it?

World War III? Well, we would win, wouldn't we? Doesn't it say so in the Bible? Don't you believe in America?

Shut up. We are going to war, and the only opinion you are going to be allowed to have is, "Support the troops!" and maybe also, Support the Drones. Support the Nukes.

Somewhere the war-god is smiling... America, with its lack of respect and understanding for other cultures and inability to examine its own actions or history is so easy to lead to the battlefield. The war-god will be well-fed with the bodies and souls of the dead. He is smiling.

(War-)God Bless America?